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Goal [Dec. 7th, 2016|10:07 pm]

Add to the beauty

Contribute to Equality

Grow self

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Thoughts on.... free time [Oct. 18th, 2010|02:51 pm]
The count:  Weekday #1

Things I wanted to do today:
- Research jobs
- Research new industries
- Go through emails
- Plan my trip
- Visa paperwork
- Organize my room
- Exercise
- Punching bag
- Practice Gung Fu
- Soak my ankle
- Hang out with Penny
- Go see Sand Mandala
- Read
- Cook
- Finish watching movie

How many of those have I done today.....?

Yea haha.  A bit ambitious I suppose.  :)  These 2 weeks are going to fly by fasttt.....
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Thoughts on.... being unemployed [Oct. 15th, 2010|11:15 pm]
The count:  8 hours.

How are you supposed to feel?  Is there a natural human response?  Is there a generalized response set by society?  I'm so torn, and just trying to look on the good side.

I made it through work today, for the most part, as if nothing were out of the ordinary.  And then I got home, and felt pretty numb.  If I weren't happy for my boyfriend, and happy for having him, I would still probably be sitting here watching Grey's Anatomy, and feeling numb.

All I've wanted to do at the end of my last few days... is drink.  Doesn't mean I have.  But I wonder whether I was seeking happiness?  Numbness?  Escape from the mild depression, I suppose.  The depression that comes from being around unmotivated and depressed people.

I'm not sad.  I'm not really angry.  I'm sad that I don't get to work with Nick and Nick and Jon and Josh and Tish and Rich anymore.  I lament the fact that we all got kind of screwed over.  Big Ben, the most.  But I'm not sad.  I understand the movement of life.

From watching Grey's Anatomy for the last two hours, and watching their coping mechanisms.... regardless of the intensity of drama... the common pattern seems to be fear.  After the shock, the pain, the anger.... even the depression.... I think is fear.  The fear to trust ourselves, or the fear to trust others, or the fear of trusting life to be okay after an event when it WASN'T.

What am I scared of?
On a smaller level.... Having to go back out there.
The bigger issue.... I'm scared of having to assess myself and "figure out" what I want to do.  Dealing with society's pressure to go back to work.  To do something you love.  And to do something that you deserve.
The bigger issue #2..... I'm afraid of taking a job and not being as happy as I was my first two months at Akeena.  I'm afraid of the depression that can come from a 9-to-5 (more like 8-to-6) job that you don't enjoy.  That you hate getting up for in the morning.

I know the responses to consoling those fears are.  I don't need to type them for you or for me.  I know that I will get over it, and I will find another job (whenever it is).  I'm not perfect.  Life's not perfect.  And I will accept that.

For now... I'm going to cuddle with my boyfriend tonight.  I'm going to try to enjoy my next two weeks at home.  I'm going to try to keep myself busy with a balance of 1) things that make me happy, 2) things I am supposed to do.  And for most of Nov 1, I'm going to Brazil.

More on that later.

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Thoughts on.... [Aug. 13th, 2010|01:17 pm]
- what is freedom to me?  explore? float?
- system where image rules
- power can beget freedom

Freedom vs. Obligation
- growth and development
- raise something to be confident, independent -- do you let them go?

- physical vs mental/emotional


Welcoming back
Sending off into world
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Thoughts on... soaking up life. [Aug. 3rd, 2010|12:09 am]
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Thoughts on... influential people. [Aug. 3rd, 2010|12:00 am]
This is a repost. As I have started to separate myself from IMC, I thought it would be appropriate to pay homage to some of the people who have had a profound impact on my last handful of years. Missing from this mix are my closest friends from high school and college, without whom I really could not imagine my life being enjoyable at all.

It dawned on me a few days ago to think about the people who have been most influential in my life. I think that for some people, this is an easy question to answer, and for others it requires a little more thought.

I should first recognize the people who didn’t initially come to mind, but should have. Without a doubt, my parents come first. The combination—the solid parental unit. My mom influenced some of my favorite personality traits, but I know that I would not have the discipline (and consequently resources and successes) I have today without my dad’s deliberate methods of involvement in my life. The balance of the two—not the individuals—is what really set the foundations for the person writing this right here, right now. And even if they disagreed as people, they stuck together as parents in their actions and decisions in the face of me and my brother. Teamwork is fuckin hard sometimes, but they did it, and I absolutely intend to carry that on. God, my parents rock.

Parents aside, most influential person #1 to this point in my life would definitely be Arash (without whom there would be no IMC). I didn’t seek Arash as a teacher, and he didn’t seek me as a student. I trained at IMC for a good 2 or 3 years before we ever really had a good conversation. We hardly talk, but still communicate via phrases and sentences (and gestures I guess), in some strange manner that has proven successful enough for me to be writing this paragraph at the top of this “influential people” post.
From being at IMC, I’ve learned unmeasureable life lessons from martial arts, from being a humbled student, a loyal friend, a teacher, and a family/community member. I know that I would not have gained these lessons, opportunities, or the intangible experiences to the same degree anywhere else. I’ve learned so much about myself. And with that, I’ve gained insight into how I connect (and often fail to!) with those around me. For everything that I have gained, I have done my best to create an equal exchange for Arash and the academy. Of course, it will never be enough, but I am OKAY with that as long as I keep trying. It is an incredibly humbling (and confusing and invigorating) feeling.

One big thing that I have learned on this journey is that—for ANY friendship, relationship, business deal, or other interaction—our goal is not just to return the value, but to up the ante and to give back even more. No questions – create exchange in abundance. You give to the world, and in the future, the world will give it back to you, and more.

So that is what I have been trying to do – take those lessons (or as Sensei described it today, “life expressing itself” through him) and apply them in my best capacity (with my current and future skills) both at IMC and away from it. It keeps me motivated and accountable to make positive use of my time in school, at home, while travelling, in my relationships. I’m obviously not a pro at it, but my goal is to get there.

I’d say that the second most influential person in my life to this point has been Henning. I know that I’ve known him half a year, and that I am biased by my emotions. But truly, the guy really pushes me to reach for things. To pursue my passions, to aim high, and to be realistic about the steps and terrain along the way. He helps me keep my energy up. Affirms my positive traits, is open enough to (strategically) point out what I can still work on, and is always willing to help me tackle it. If he goes for something he really goes for it. His integrity is incredible. He does his research. Questions everything. Which is scary but such a growing experience.

He is neither afraid to express his thoughts, nor his emotions—which is such a balance to my personality, and has definitely helped me to open up a bit. Even if for some reason, this doesn’t work out, I will be such a better person for having been in this relationship.

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Update on work... [Aug. 2nd, 2010|11:54 pm]
I still love my job. 
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To be filled out.... Thoughts... [Jul. 29th, 2010|01:09 am]
On Fucking Up...

...at work. I guess I'm the type of person who's pretty hard on herself. I'm 3 weeks in to work, and I've already messed up a number of times. Of course, I've done hundreds and hundreds of things successfully by this point (day 15). And I need to remember that people forget things, shit happens, and we need to deal with it and move on. It's of course a push-pull situation, because everyone is expected to make mistakes in the beginning, but you don't want to make enough mistakes early on that people don't think they can trust you. I work in a very integrated environment, where dozens of people are working as a team to get these projects done. My job is pretty much to make other people's lives easier, and messing up isn't one of them. Life lessons.

...with friends. I recently lost something of Becca's, and it took me about 2 days to finally get the balls and tell her. Not necessarily because I didn't want to admit it. Moreso because I didn't want her to get mad at me. I think in my mind, it's like disappointing someone when their expectations weren't even that high..."What a failure of a person," says brain to heart. *heart tucks tail and retreats*

...with Penny. So Penny and I joined a dog hiking group. It's a new thing to Penny -- walking on a leash so often, meeting other dogs while on a leash, not being able to naturally greet dogs... It's also a new thing to me. Anyway, there have been a few "incidents" on these walks -- once when my dad was walking with Penny and the group, and she got out of her collar to run after a dog and greet it. That... pretty much breaks all of the rules right there. And then it makes you feel like you've failed as a parent/owner because you can't maintain control of your child/dog.

I wish Julie were here to say, "She was just being a dog." Like when she killed one of Quentin's chickens. And everyone started telling me about their dogs' chicken-killing tendencies. It was really nice to feel like I wasn't alone, and that my dog was allowed a little slack for being well.... a dog. :)

On working out...

I've been incredibly bad at motivating myself to work out. I definitely need a partner or a group, and I have yet to find that with my interests and my schedule. As of Saturday, I rolled my ankle, and it is still in the heeling process. My hope is to be in jogging shape within a week. Next week, I will attempt rock climbing, and just focus on my other 3 limbs. :)

On cleaning room...

This past week, I finally started to clear my walls of the pictures, posters, cards, calendars, and other odds and ends that previously covered about 95% of the vertical faces. I took down a few Backstreet Boys posters, The Calling posters, pictures and thoughts on love, space, architecture, animals, movies, TV shows, concerts....
It was a bit of a cleansing ritual that I've never gone through.... ever.... because I was such a pack rat about memories in middle school and high school. Now, having gone through college, having experienced love, having pursued a few passions... I guess I've figured out of little more of what stayed in the foundation of "...me...", and what I can leave behind. So I stripped my walls of the non-essentials, and probably have about 10% remaining, if that. It's kind of nice to start over. :)

And start over I will. I'm hoping to have Becca help me redesign and redecorate the room, which will be a nice loop because she was connected to a lot of the interests and activities that used to cover my walls. I think her touch will help me keep a little of the spirit of our younger selves as I move into the next phase of my room... and I guess the next expression of my life. (too cheesy?)

Anyway, more later. I wrote this entry sitting in the backyard with my pretty awesome dog Penny. She makes me happy. I hope she knows that.

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Update from California #1.... [Jul. 21st, 2010|12:04 am]
I feel like I should make a non-guy related update for once.

Life Update:
- I have moved back to the Bay Area. Current count in California is 11 days.
- Living at home for now. There are many many benefits to this. Home cooked meals, no rent, little food cost, dog-sitters, company. The downsides are mostly sharing my dog, not cooking as much for myself (i.e. laziness), and no walking around the house naked. All things I can live with.
- Have completed 7 days as an Assistant Project Manager at Akeena Solar. My fellow APMs are Nick and Nick; they're both pretty cool. I love working with my boss Jon -- the people are so key. So is positive reinforcement -- PLEASE INCORPORATE THIS INTO YOUR LIFE. It will increase the quality of your life I almost guarantee it.

- I have also been put in charge of Akeena customer service for the next 4 months. Definitely a learning experience. Sometimes it feels like getting hit by grenades. 1.5 weeks in, and I'm already a much stronger person for it.
- I still love my dog Penny. I think she's the prettiest dog ever. [Insert list of other positive qualities.] I have also been taking Penny on hikes with a local dog hiking group.

- Henning is in Phoenix for another 3 weeks of internship. Then he will return to the Bay Area, and we will be living in the same STATE (and area!) for the first time in 1.5 years. I'm pretty excited.
- Went rock climbing on Sunday with James in SF, and got pretty psyched about it. Wes and I are going on Thursday in Sunnyvale. I'm thinking of making this a semi-routine activity if Thursday goes well. It will be nice to have the sibling bonding time.

There are a bunch of other things. I'll get to updating about them soon.

- I started reading bits and pieces of a book called "The Secret Laws of Attraction." I love this shit, and recommend to anyone who is interested in understanding relationships and the roles we as INDIVIDUALS play in our happiness and in our happineness in relationships. So much about quality of life is about awareness. I think this will also help me better understand why I get myself into some of the unhealthy situations with men that I have ended up in recently. It's a different reason for each person.
- Quote on pg 4 of book that I absolutely subscribe to: "The best way to attract a man or a woman is to not need them." I honestly think it's one of the secrets to my relationship with Henning. Need != want, and need != love. love = ?? I don't konw....

That's the scoop for now. More on life after I've kept living it a little more.

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(no subject) [Apr. 10th, 2010|11:00 pm]
I can't believe how easy it is for emotions to fluctuate in such short periods of time.
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